What What

All right, election day has come and gone. Decisions were made, people laughed while people cried, the usual. How does one follow an election day post? What could be better than voicing your opinion to help aid the direction of everyone's future? How can one possibly top the beauty of a democratic system? Oh, I will tell you how:

Butts.

That's right, and you're welcome. Today I am dedicating my post entirely to The Butt. An elusive, ever-changing, oddly likeable body part of which everyone has in a completely different shape or size. Fine, the shape and size variant is true for every body part, but I feel like it's far more fun to distinguish different butts than  different arms.

I'll start with what I know: My Butt. If I could write a letter to my favorite sitting place it would read something like this:

Dearest Derriere,
Thank you.
Love, Me.

Like many, I waged war on my unsuspecting tucus right around Jr. High, or slightly before. Personally, my hips widened long before I would ever see and semblance of an actual bosom (which is still second-tier, compared to... my sparkling personality). Bodies change quickly at that age and I hadn't even realized I had a butt until someone in middle school made a surly comment. Many silly diets and "work-out regimes" followed, to no avail, because your body will change in it's own way at it's own pace when you're that age.

I was shy and awkward in Jr. High, throughout High school, like many. Also like many, I was extremely self-conscious of my ever-changing body, so when I heard an attractive boy in my Biology class say, "Damn. You got a nice ass for a white girl." I pretended I didn't hear and scurried away in shame. I now hold a greater amount of appreciation for anyone who is bold enough to speak their minds regarding positive physical attributes in other people.

Let's hold here and make a distinction. A truck load of douchey dudes on the cruise whistling and yelling "are your pants made out of mirrors?!" Is not someone speaking their mind about the physical attractiveness of  someone else. That can only be explained as some strange male ritual of a yearning for failure. I would love to meet someone for whom one of those pick up lines has actually worked. Or whistling at someone. Or just honking and saying "YEAH!". I use corny pick up lines on the ESMF pretty regularly, and yeah, it works, but I have something all those douchey dudes don't: The body of a chick.

Back to the booties! As my dear friend has encouraged me: "Butts go through phases." (he is wise beyond his years in the science of bootology).  I have, over the course of my years out of high school and more recently out of college, noticed a disturbing trend in my own backside of a rather uniform shrinkage happened. This saddens me to no end, but the fact is, my body will likely change every day for the rest of my life, however much or little. My own rear has lessened with the loss of some baby fat but is lovingly referred to as "ghetto shallot" (ghetto onion was apparently where this originated, which I has never heard prior to ghetto shallot), by the one who likes it most. He refers to his own boy-booty as "A bag of oranges".

What I like most about bums is the vast array of sorts in which they appear. The short wide butt is one of my favorites to behold. It's a mystery to me. I work with a girl whose butt is actually wider than it is tall by about twice as much. It's amazing. Another woman I work with has this really fantastic pin-up girl silhouette from the front, but she turns to the side and she's flat as Kansas.

I realize I'm treading through some interesting territory by devoting a post to dissecting the beauty of the Ba-Donk, but it all stems from the fact that I find the sheer diversity in the physical form of humans fascinating, and what I simply cannot understand is the heeby-jeebies it seems to give other people when you talk about it. Yeah, you know what's coming: We're about to talk yoga pants.

Oh yoga pants. I do believe they are the single most controversial clothing item in the last 5-10 years. They're being outlawed from high schools, there's websites devoting to pictures of girls wearing yoga pants in public, and tirades on the internet from angry women who are upset that they have to wait and change into their yoga pants at the gym or else their creepy neighbor will look at their butt on their way to the gym.

A confession: I wear yoga pants roughly 4 months out of the year. I wear yoga pants anytime I can get away with it. They are comfortable, look great with everything, I can move in them (important when you're rehearsing for a show) and they make your butt look amazing. I am also not one to get upset if I see someone checking out whatever junk is in my trunk, obviously, because as you can see by everything above, I do it all the time. I understand banning them in school situations because they really don't leave anything to the imagination but have you seen girls shorts lately? I teach summer camps in a desert climate and those girls aren't wearing shorts, they're wearing denim underwear. It's pretty sickening the try to avert your eyes when you're leading a group of nine-year-olds through warm ups. Yoga pants are far superior to the loin cloths that have replaced shorts over the years.

My point is: why do we have to be so defensive when a bodily compliment is given? Are we all really brought up to think that any time someone says, "Hey, you've got a great butt." That they mean to rape and kill us? While I come from a long line of pretty fantastic rumps, I did not get the wagon I'm draggin' today by genes alone. I have many squats, lunges and stairs in my life to help with the maintenance of my behind. So when the rare occurrence happens that someone genuinely mentions the condition of said rear, I thank them politely. Again, this is not some barely post-teen muscle nut drunkenly stumbling, trying to cop a feel and slurring, "nice ass". This is the rarer, more earnest kind, that has been beaten out of so many men who have been told they, "know better" than to mention the glorious state of a women's lady lump (easily the worst term for butt ever. Thanks for nothing, Fergie).

Bottom line (pun intended). If I ask you if these pants make my butt look big. You sure as shit better say yes.