The Last New Years EVER!

So, if the Mayans were right, we've got just under one year to go before who knows what is going to happen. Which of course means, THIS IS THE LAST NEW YEARS EVE EVER!

Or it means this:

I mean, doesn't this all sound a bit familiar? Does anyone remember December 31st 1999? I do, I was baking cookies with my Mom and we were avoiding Uncle Bill's phone calls because he had just bought a 30 acre farm so he and his family could watch the Armageddon happen from the safety of their new compound (Uncle Bill doesn't know a thing about farming, I think that's an important bit of information in order to understand the nature of this gentleman). I remember thinking briefly, as a teenager decorating cookies to be consumed at midnight, that maybe all of society would collapse, maybe we'll all be fighting each other for food, or deciding who to eat first. Then I remember deciding that I didn't like thinking those things, so I would redirect my attentions elsewhere and cross that bridge when and if I came to it.

As it turns out, that sort of mentality is how I deal with most everything in my life. I'm not a worrier by nature I don't get worked up over much anything. I was scheduled to teach a class in September of 12 junior-high school kids. When I arrived for the first day of class, there were 28. That class was huge, and I was terrified, but at ten minutes before you start teaching the last thing you want to do is worry about how many roles you have to assign and what play could have possibly ever been written for that many kids to perform in under twenty minutes, so we just went with it, played some theater games and really had a great time.

Conversely, this also means that if I smell conflict anywhere near me I ignore it. I ignore it real hard. For instance, if you were a jerk in a public place and called me a bitch really loudly I would pretend I didn't hear you. If you came up to where I was sitting and said, "Hey, bitch, I don't think you heard me!" I would probably look up "surprised" and say, "I'm sorry, sir, what?" Then I would probably politely excuse myself to the bathroom and escape out the window and feel really bad that I had clearly done something so horrible to make a stranger think I was a bitch. Ridiculous? Oh yes, absolutely. Conflict averted? You betcha. This is a particularly strange way of dealing with conflict, considering my chosen profession of acting is pretty much entirely based on getting yourself into and out of conflicts smoothly. There is no drama without conflict. Yeah, I'm working on it.

So, on this very last new years eve, I'll be donating a performance for a fundraiser, getting some delicious mac and cheese and trying to catch up with the ESMF by midnight for a cheesy smooch. I have nothing extravagant planned, but I think I'll be spending it with friends I love dearly in the places I love most, just as I would were it the actual last new years eve ever.

Oh yes, and in 2012 I will try a little harder to face conflict a bit more head on. Maybe. I really just don't like it though. It makes me uncomfortable. I'd rather just avoid it all together by being impossible to have a beef with me. So maybe I'll do that.

Home is Wherever I'm With You.

So, as I mentioned briefly, we've recently moved again. For the third time this year actually. Crazy? Insane? Out of control stressful? Oh yes.

May look a lot like the old place to you...

But so worth it.

But this doesn't.

More square footage, a kitchen that we can booth stand in comfortably, a gorgeous view that includes both downtown and the foothills, still in our price range, and just perfect.

You may be wondering, "Gee, that looks like a really nice place for someone who's strapped for cash. Maybe you should live somewhere that costs less and doesn't look so pretty." Valid, albeit extremely judgmental and none of your business. However, I do feel like it's important to address said point. I've lived in this town for over ten years now, in many different locations. I've found that where I live has a huge impact on my happiness. I'm willing to spend a little more on rent and a little less on everything else so I don't have to sacrifice my sanity and joy.

Also, I was feeling a bit lonely when the ESMF was out of town last weekend, so I did something ridiculous:

This is Charlie.

I adopted a Norfolk Island Pine as a Christmas tree.

Some of my sister's family's gifts.

I've also been wrapping presents like a crazy person. Thinking I may just do okay for Christmas this year...

The cat has adjusted nicely to the new place. She's being weird and sitting by some onions and garlic here. She does this to confuse us.

That's it, really. Nothing witty or educational in this post. Parade of hand made Christmas gifts to come soon. For now, I leave you with this:

Night view. Merry Christmas.

How I Tested Being a Bitch.

Disclaimer: This post is down right crude. It contains the full lyrics to an NWA song, and if you don't know what that means I have a feeling this post it not for you. If you're not okay with foul language, I suggest you skip this one.

If you read my last post, is was all about wondering how I could be perceived as a bitch, so, after some more mulling, I felt the need for a second opinion about this whole "Am I a Bitch?" quandary. So I thought to myself, "Who knows bitches? Like really knows bitches?" and it came to me during the middle of my Sunday cleaning ritual of listening to some old-school rap and doing the dishes. NWA. Now those guys know bitches. Let's break this down, shall we?

Blue are the lyrics, black is my... "analysis".

And this is NWA. They're straight outta Compton. Apparently you don't mess with people who are straight outta Compton. I'm straight from the Suburbs (I don't think you can be "outta" Suburbia), so I don't really know these things.

[Narrator]

Let's describe a certain female. A female with the disease of character

And attitude. If you will a snob. However in a view of NWA...

I have been told I have an "attitude" of sorts, but mostly I'm described as sassy, sometimes even charming, but let's check in with the masters on this one...

[Ice Cube]

A bitch is a bitch (bitch)

So if I'm poor or rich (word up)

I talk in the exact same pitch

Now the title bitch don't apply to all women

But all women have a little bitch in 'em (yeah)

It's like a disease that's plagues their character

Takin' the women of America (yeah) 

I'm going to have to agree with everything said so far. Not specifically for myself, but they're onto something here. We're all completely capable, of being bitches.

And it starts with a letter B

It makes a girl like that think she better than me (bitch)

See, some get mad and some just bear it

But, yo, if the shoe fits wear it (wear it)

It makes 'em go deaf in the ear

That's why when you say 'hi' she won't say 'hi'

Are you the kind that think you're too damn fly?

Bitch eat shit 'n die (ha, ha) 

Okay, gentleman, we're getting a little out of hand here. Maybe she didn't say 'hi' because she didn't want to lead you on and make you think she was interested. Maybe she's got a boyfriend. I really think that at this point in the song, you're a little miffed that you didn't get any of whatever sweet lady just walked by so you're taking your frustrations out through rhyme. Which I totally support, so continue.

Ice cube comin' at you at crazy pitch

(Why?) I think a bitch is a bitch

[A Bitch] 'Who the fuck you think you're callin' a bitch you little sorry muthafucka?

I dunno who the fuck you think you're talkin' to. Let me tell you one

Muthafuckin' thang, I'm not a...' [Eazy E] 'Bitch, shut the fuck up.' 

Good call on this one Mr. E. If you listen to the song, this girl is definitely (I can never spell "definitely" right on the first try. It drives me crazy, had to share) a bitch. I think they actually hired her to do the record right out of bitchville.  If she wasn't a bitch, and got called a bitch, she wouldn't freak out so much.

Yo, you can tell a girl that's out for the money (How?)

She look good and the bitch walk funny ----------------->Wait, what? Why?

She ain't no dummy she's rather canivin'

Yo, bitch fuck when I'm driving

See a young nigga that's striving

You're thru' without a BMW

That's why a bitch is a bitch 

 So, in accordance to NWA, A bitch is a woman who cares a lot about men who have money. Good knowledge. And not me.

I guess, or ether P-M-S 

AH HAHAHA. I love it when they knock PMS. It's one of those double standards that woman really stick to themselves. The whole: "I can excuse my shitty behavior with PMS, but you'd better not ever dare suggest  that's the reason I'm acting weird or I will flip out on your ass PMS or no!" You know, like I can call my mom a bitch my if you do I'll punch you in the mouth. Unless we're siblings. I guess. (I would never call my Mom a bitch. I'd kind of like to say that's because she'd slap me, but really, it would just really hurt her feelings, and she'd probably cry. Apple doesn't fall far on that one...)

Here, test the girl that's kinda snobby (a'ight)

And I bet you dis a nigga is her hobby

And after she finished the test

Write your date a B-I-T-C-H

And watch her get mad 'cause she know it's true (she know it)

Ah ha! So it's just like in grade school when you would say, "So-and-so likes so-and-so!" And you would know it was true if the kid started fervently denying it. Yes. Just like that.

But a nigga like me, I say 'fuck you'

Do like Ice Cube, slam her ass in a ditch (slam her ass)

'Cause a bitch is a bitch 

I'm pretty sure "Slam her ass in a ditch" is all figurative. That's how I continue to listen to the song anyway....

'Why I gonna be a bitch?'

'I ain't call you no bitch. If you'd listen to a goddamn song it'd tell

You what a bitch is.'

'Fuck the song 'cause I'm not no muthafuckin' bitch.'

'I didn't say you was a bitch.'

'Fuck you, punk-ass nigga!'

'Fuck you, bitch!

'Fuck you! Who the fuck you think you are?

'Fuck you! Suck my dick, bitch! 

MmHmm. See the fervent denying? Grade school. In any case, it's clear that whatever this relationship was, they no longer have respect of any kind for each other, bitches or no.

I once knew a bitch who got a slack

'Cause she played me like she was all that

A bitch can be your best friend talking behind your back (yeah)

About who's fucking who and who's getting fat 

I don't pretend to be best friends. I don't talk behind any one's back (particularly not Mr. E's.  Or Mr. C's, for that matter). I don't really talk about any one fucking or getting fat.

Look at yourself for me, (look bitch)

Now do you fall in this category?

Or you're the kind that won't blink

'Cause you don't think, your shit stinks 

...I can't say I really understand what that means exactly... I don't blink because my shit don't stink? Well I most certainly blink. Often. So I'm going to say no.

Lucky I haven't had a drink

'Cause I'd down you ass

Than I'd clown your ass 

 That sounds strangely sexual and rather undeserved, but I'm with ya.

'Cause the niggas I hang with ain't rich (I ain't rich)-------> I don't hang with any rich anybodies.

We're all saying 'Fuck you bitch!' (Word up!)

Now, what I can do with a hoe like you

Been your ass over then I'm thru'

Been? Like "been in" or like "bean" like "hit" or "tap"? Well. I think we get the point either way.

that you see Ice Cube ain't takin' no shit

(Why?) 'Cause I think a bitch is a bitch

[Narrator]

There you have it. The description of a bitch. Now ask yourself,

Are they talking about you? Are you that funky, dirty, (I shower regularly, so no) money-hungry,(No.)

Scandalous, (Not even if I tried) stuck-up, (Nope, not that I know of) hair piece (I own no hair pieces, though I have a feeling this one may be something I don't quite understand...) contact wearing (I don't wear contacts, but I was unaware that they made you a bitch. Again, I may be missing something key here.) bitch? Yep, you

Probably are. 

Mmm... I don't think I am, but I will take your criticism into consideration.

Yeah, they don't think I'm a bitch. Judging by the toughness level of this picture, they're the ones I should be most worried about. What with their affinity for ditches, as stated earlier...

Good to know. According to NWA, and a slightly less-than-objective self assessment, I am not a bitch. Everyone sets their bitch scale to this standard, right?

This has been a session of great rap music, ruined by some stupid white girl. You're welcome.