Something a little more uplifting than the last post. Please enjoy.
I have some questions I'd like to ask you. I don't mean to pry into your personal life, goodness knows I'm not trying to pick a fight or make anyone uncomfortable. But after many months of living in a new place, full of humidity and a thick, oppressive heat I've become increasingly concerned. Are you okay? Do you posess all the nerve endings necessary to properly care for your legs? Are you, as a patient in an episode of House, unable to sense pain or perhaps, heat, in your body so you are unable to react to it? I'm concerned about your physical well-being. I have a few theories that I'm interested in running by you to spare you the possible embarrassment of whatever condition you may have that binds you so closely to the tool of the devil himself: pants.
Are you missing the skin from your legs? Are your pants substituting for skin in a way that were you to remove them your legs would collapse into a heap of muscle and sinew and bones once you removed them? I know the shape of my legs changes once pants are removed, which is one of the main reasons for removing them, but perhaps you lack the skin to contain your legs beneath you without the aid of pants.
Are you punishing yourself for something? Did you do something so terrible that even in the privacy of your own home, somewhere that it is completely socially acceptable to wear whatever you choose or choose not, you would choose to wrap and confine your entire lower half? What was this unspeakable crime that you committed? And surely whatever it was, we can come up with a sufficient and far more humane punishment than the terrors of being confined to a private pant prison. Surely.
Are you a completely unfeeling human?
Wait.
Are you a robot, whose circuits need to be concealed and hidden beneath two tubes of confining fabric?
Are your pants special somehow? Do you shop in a special section of the store in order to purchase pants that feel as though they are not touching your body at all? Do you perhaps treat them with something which caused them to feel light and airy instead of something akin to a snugged-up sausage casing?
I'd certainly like to believe that I am the exception. That perhaps the norm is to remain fully pants'd until bed time and then transfer into the evils that are full, button-down pajamas. I have considered this fiction and would like to present how this cannot be the case with the following scientific research*:
Pants are belt ruin-ers. You know that cool leather belt you just scored at a thrift store? God, it's so cool. Can't wait to wear it with those awesome pants every day for the next week and get compliments on it everyt day. Time to wash the pants? Cool, just take the belt out before... What the what?! Why is my sweet new belt completely bent and morphed into a crumpled snake? Of course. Your pants were jealous of the attention your belt was getting and so it set out to destroy this thing of beauty you once loved.
Pants are bad for impressionable legs and torsos. You can see the effects frequently. Some say it's just bad circulation, that some legs are just set up that way, but I know it's because the pants do it to them. The grab hold of them and push and push until they leave red marks that look just like pants all over legs. Pocket impressions on thighs, inseam impressions on young, unassuming ankles and the worst: button and waistband impressions on bellies.
"Comfortable pants" do not exist. Comfortable pants are called leggings or sweat pants and are only appropriate when the temperature dips below 55 degrees farenhight. Comfortable pants are not called pants.
Pants-less household tasks improve your sense of humor. Doing dishes. Folding laundry. Sweeping. All funnier without bottoms. Or showing your bottom. As a bonus, being pants-less will make you more cautious with things like cooking and washing pots and pans in very hot water.
Character Building. Being chilly builds character, which can happen once you adapt to your (hopefully) air-conditioned home. Being hot increases anger, discomfort and can cause dehydration and death**.
Increased Accessibility. This point requires no additional explanation.
Decreased Circulation. Confining legs causes poor circulation, which can lead to blood clots, which can lead to strokes, which can lead to death. So pants are pretty much worse than smoking.
Separation Anxiety. Have you looked at your pants-less legs recently? Have you seen how close they are? God, they just love each other. Always next to each other, all the time. Sharing everything from secrets to the weight you put on them the the agony of your footwear choices (seriously guys, stop wearing converse to wait tables, it's just mean to your body). Why would you keep them apart from each other for so long?
I know you may wonder, "Hey, if you hate pants so much, why wear them at all? As a lady you have many socially acceptable options at your disposal." This is very true, my smarty-smart pants reader. I do. To be honest, morning me is a bit of a different human than afternoon me. Morning me says, "Oh fuck yeah dark wash denim that hugs all up on me paired with some sweet boots and over-sized tee shirt". Morning me also seems to frequently think she's in a 90's grunge band and 100 pounds. Afternoon me thinks the Armageddon is upon us and we will all be suffocated by sticky pollution air and my skin will be forever wet, salty, puffy and red.
So I guess afternoon me is a woke pig on slaughter day?
To conclude. If you are the sort of person who gets home after a long day of work and lounges around in your home still in your jeans, or slacks or whatever you call your personal pant penitentiary, please consider letting yourself free. Just try it. Get home, close door, remove pants.
No. I don't know why you didn't try it earlier.
You're welcome.
*Based entirely upon individual empirical evidence without control groups, formal structure or any set experimentation.
**Please google "Hyperbole Definition"
