Fool Me Once - Shame For Everyone!

Recommended Listening for this post: http://youtu.be/Q9WZtxRWieM

When I was about 24-years-old I was working in a fancy-ish restaurant. The kind of restaurant that has a pretentious black book filled with house-made cocktails from fresh-squeezed juices with names that you cannot pronounce.

It was very slow one night and I was cut early, around 8 or so and I sat at the bar where my friend was still working. She made me several delicious drinks. The dangerous kind that you don't really calculate properly. She didn't want me to go home because she was going out after work and said I should join her.

Once she closed up we got up and I unlocked my bike, walking it along side us to a neighboring bar. I'd need my bike to get home later, as I lived a fair distance from downtown at the time.

I tripped over my bike at one point. The pedal caught my shin, or something. Something that's not completely out of the question, drunk or sober to happen when you're walking your bike on a sidewalk that you're also sharing with a friend. I tripped over it and landed on the sidewalk. It was fine and silly. My friend helped me up and we chuckled the rest of our way to the bar at my clumsiness.

I didn't go out often. So when I walked into the bar and saw a group of people I knew, I was thrilled, and so were they. We had a mutual moment of, "HIIIII!!!!!" Until I watched their faces fall as they looked at me. They were instantly somber. Even a little scared. It was hard not to be offended. Or extremely self-conscious. I wasn't sure what had provoked the change in them.

One of the women from the group grabbed my wrist and took me to the bathroom where I faced a chin and upper lip with minimal dried blood. My jaw dropped and that was the kicker. About half of both of my front teeth were missing. 

The rest of the night is a boring tale of a young inebriated woman attempting to find affirmation that she's doing anything right in her life, so I'll spare you.

My dentist was able to get me in on very short notice. He was non-judgmental, kind and light-hearted (as always- if you ever need a dentist, this one's amazing). He had my teeth fixed temporarily and affordabley, as I don't have health insurance, never mind dental. He warned me that I would very likely eventually have to have crowns on these two teeth, but this would do the job for now.

Sometimes stuff gets stuck in the seam of these teeth. It looks like my teeth are stained. If you look closely, you can see a jagged edge where a smooth one should be. I become so ashamed of my teeth. So ashamed that I try not to smile, or when I do I look down and away so people can't see my mark of shame. The stupid choice I made to have a drink six years ago that resulted in permanent (and VERY minor) disfigurement. The choice to not go home right after work. The resulting fight that happened with my then-boyfriend. The foolish choice I made to live so far out from the downtown area I adored. 

I know that dwelling on all of these past things is a really excellent use of my time and energy, obviously, that's why I did it.

No. I do it because I'm ashamed.

Don't worry, I, like many in our culture revel in shame in not just one way, but many, many ways!

Those pants don't fit anymore? Shame!

Did something that a close friend disagrees with? Shame!

Not strong enough to do x? Shame!

Cry in front of someone? SHAME!

Didn't get into graduate school the first time? Or the second? Eat your shame, you fool.

Make something that someone didn't like? Shame. Shame. Shame. Gut punch to the soul shame.

I did eventually get into grad school. Among many important things I have learned there so far, this one has been big: My shame does not stop, or even diminish with success. I do not think I am an anomaly. I think many people feel this way. Those pants may never fit again. You may never be strong enough to do whatever x is. Your life does not stop there. There are so many better things to do without shame.

The biggest danger I see in shame is that it is often paralyzing. We become ashamed of past decisions and so terrified of their results that we never take a risk again. Granted, I will not likely take the risk of chugging cocktails anytime soon, however had I not busted out my grin that night, I may not have calculated future evenings with a more decerning eye. But take applying to graduate school. I didn't want to do it a second time. Or a third. I felt embarrassed. Like some fool crippled by the definition of insanity. You know, the whole repeating the same action and expecting different results analogy. I'm so glad I shucked off my shame to get here.

But it does not paralyze me. I continue. I move, forever forward. I've earned an appetite for fucking shit up a little. I'm cultivating fearlessness and celebrating falls. At least the ones that don't end with my face drunkenly in the pavement.

I still feel it. Daily. Some days, hourly. Sometimes it rules my life for weeks on end. I'm not aiming to fix anything. I'm just like everyone else. Navigating one day at a time. I try to bring my best empathy, compassion, embrace and lowest levels of guardedness that I can. 

It's why this post didn't start with a disclaimer that this was going to be about something not light and fluffy. Or apologize for being long. 

We've got better things to do than wallow in our shame. It affects us. Acknowledge. Move. 

Keep moving. You are not your shame. We are not mistakes. 

We're mutha' fuckin' stardust.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?language=en