How I Tested Being a Bitch.

Disclaimer: This post is down right crude. It contains the full lyrics to an NWA song, and if you don't know what that means I have a feeling this post it not for you. If you're not okay with foul language, I suggest you skip this one.

If you read my last post, is was all about wondering how I could be perceived as a bitch, so, after some more mulling, I felt the need for a second opinion about this whole "Am I a Bitch?" quandary. So I thought to myself, "Who knows bitches? Like really knows bitches?" and it came to me during the middle of my Sunday cleaning ritual of listening to some old-school rap and doing the dishes. NWA. Now those guys know bitches. Let's break this down, shall we?

Blue are the lyrics, black is my... "analysis".

And this is NWA. They're straight outta Compton. Apparently you don't mess with people who are straight outta Compton. I'm straight from the Suburbs (I don't think you can be "outta" Suburbia), so I don't really know these things.

[Narrator]

Let's describe a certain female. A female with the disease of character

And attitude. If you will a snob. However in a view of NWA...

I have been told I have an "attitude" of sorts, but mostly I'm described as sassy, sometimes even charming, but let's check in with the masters on this one...

[Ice Cube]

A bitch is a bitch (bitch)

So if I'm poor or rich (word up)

I talk in the exact same pitch

Now the title bitch don't apply to all women

But all women have a little bitch in 'em (yeah)

It's like a disease that's plagues their character

Takin' the women of America (yeah) 

I'm going to have to agree with everything said so far. Not specifically for myself, but they're onto something here. We're all completely capable, of being bitches.

And it starts with a letter B

It makes a girl like that think she better than me (bitch)

See, some get mad and some just bear it

But, yo, if the shoe fits wear it (wear it)

It makes 'em go deaf in the ear

That's why when you say 'hi' she won't say 'hi'

Are you the kind that think you're too damn fly?

Bitch eat shit 'n die (ha, ha) 

Okay, gentleman, we're getting a little out of hand here. Maybe she didn't say 'hi' because she didn't want to lead you on and make you think she was interested. Maybe she's got a boyfriend. I really think that at this point in the song, you're a little miffed that you didn't get any of whatever sweet lady just walked by so you're taking your frustrations out through rhyme. Which I totally support, so continue.

Ice cube comin' at you at crazy pitch

(Why?) I think a bitch is a bitch

[A Bitch] 'Who the fuck you think you're callin' a bitch you little sorry muthafucka?

I dunno who the fuck you think you're talkin' to. Let me tell you one

Muthafuckin' thang, I'm not a...' [Eazy E] 'Bitch, shut the fuck up.' 

Good call on this one Mr. E. If you listen to the song, this girl is definitely (I can never spell "definitely" right on the first try. It drives me crazy, had to share) a bitch. I think they actually hired her to do the record right out of bitchville.  If she wasn't a bitch, and got called a bitch, she wouldn't freak out so much.

Yo, you can tell a girl that's out for the money (How?)

She look good and the bitch walk funny ----------------->Wait, what? Why?

She ain't no dummy she's rather canivin'

Yo, bitch fuck when I'm driving

See a young nigga that's striving

You're thru' without a BMW

That's why a bitch is a bitch 

 So, in accordance to NWA, A bitch is a woman who cares a lot about men who have money. Good knowledge. And not me.

I guess, or ether P-M-S 

AH HAHAHA. I love it when they knock PMS. It's one of those double standards that woman really stick to themselves. The whole: "I can excuse my shitty behavior with PMS, but you'd better not ever dare suggest  that's the reason I'm acting weird or I will flip out on your ass PMS or no!" You know, like I can call my mom a bitch my if you do I'll punch you in the mouth. Unless we're siblings. I guess. (I would never call my Mom a bitch. I'd kind of like to say that's because she'd slap me, but really, it would just really hurt her feelings, and she'd probably cry. Apple doesn't fall far on that one...)

Here, test the girl that's kinda snobby (a'ight)

And I bet you dis a nigga is her hobby

And after she finished the test

Write your date a B-I-T-C-H

And watch her get mad 'cause she know it's true (she know it)

Ah ha! So it's just like in grade school when you would say, "So-and-so likes so-and-so!" And you would know it was true if the kid started fervently denying it. Yes. Just like that.

But a nigga like me, I say 'fuck you'

Do like Ice Cube, slam her ass in a ditch (slam her ass)

'Cause a bitch is a bitch 

I'm pretty sure "Slam her ass in a ditch" is all figurative. That's how I continue to listen to the song anyway....

'Why I gonna be a bitch?'

'I ain't call you no bitch. If you'd listen to a goddamn song it'd tell

You what a bitch is.'

'Fuck the song 'cause I'm not no muthafuckin' bitch.'

'I didn't say you was a bitch.'

'Fuck you, punk-ass nigga!'

'Fuck you, bitch!

'Fuck you! Who the fuck you think you are?

'Fuck you! Suck my dick, bitch! 

MmHmm. See the fervent denying? Grade school. In any case, it's clear that whatever this relationship was, they no longer have respect of any kind for each other, bitches or no.

I once knew a bitch who got a slack

'Cause she played me like she was all that

A bitch can be your best friend talking behind your back (yeah)

About who's fucking who and who's getting fat 

I don't pretend to be best friends. I don't talk behind any one's back (particularly not Mr. E's.  Or Mr. C's, for that matter). I don't really talk about any one fucking or getting fat.

Look at yourself for me, (look bitch)

Now do you fall in this category?

Or you're the kind that won't blink

'Cause you don't think, your shit stinks 

...I can't say I really understand what that means exactly... I don't blink because my shit don't stink? Well I most certainly blink. Often. So I'm going to say no.

Lucky I haven't had a drink

'Cause I'd down you ass

Than I'd clown your ass 

 That sounds strangely sexual and rather undeserved, but I'm with ya.

'Cause the niggas I hang with ain't rich (I ain't rich)-------> I don't hang with any rich anybodies.

We're all saying 'Fuck you bitch!' (Word up!)

Now, what I can do with a hoe like you

Been your ass over then I'm thru'

Been? Like "been in" or like "bean" like "hit" or "tap"? Well. I think we get the point either way.

that you see Ice Cube ain't takin' no shit

(Why?) 'Cause I think a bitch is a bitch

[Narrator]

There you have it. The description of a bitch. Now ask yourself,

Are they talking about you? Are you that funky, dirty, (I shower regularly, so no) money-hungry,(No.)

Scandalous, (Not even if I tried) stuck-up, (Nope, not that I know of) hair piece (I own no hair pieces, though I have a feeling this one may be something I don't quite understand...) contact wearing (I don't wear contacts, but I was unaware that they made you a bitch. Again, I may be missing something key here.) bitch? Yep, you

Probably are. 

Mmm... I don't think I am, but I will take your criticism into consideration.

Yeah, they don't think I'm a bitch. Judging by the toughness level of this picture, they're the ones I should be most worried about. What with their affinity for ditches, as stated earlier...

Good to know. According to NWA, and a slightly less-than-objective self assessment, I am not a bitch. Everyone sets their bitch scale to this standard, right?

This has been a session of great rap music, ruined by some stupid white girl. You're welcome.