Twenty Percent. Not Just For Math Nerds.

All right, all right, I'm missing days left right and center. Quite frankly, I probably shouldn't be spending time on my blog right now, but I'd like to full as much of November as I can. So today's post is simple: Why tipping twenty percent isn't generous: it's just common decency.

Let me preface with this: I have never waited tables in a state that wasn't Right to Work. "What the fuck is right to work?" You might ask. In which case, I sure hope you don't live in a right to work state, because there are many many things that fall into effect under right-to-work laws, including break allotments, pay rate, union contracts, discriminatory hiring (which is technically still illegal everywhere, but if you live in a right-to-work, it's much easier for an employer to discriminate). I'd give you fancy links to follow, but if you're reading this, I assume you have access to the internet and that fancy little search engine known as Google. You can figure it out.

In any case. Minimum wage in most states is the lowest amount a worker can be paid. However, that is not the case in right-to-works. Here, waiting tables I was paid an hourly amount of $3.35. The assumption here is that I would make enough in tips to make up to minimum wage on the hour, which for the most part was absolutely true, though I do have several months of time during which I was hardly paid at all in the service industry. But that's complicated and irrelevant to the current topic.

The biggest problem with paying your servers $3.35/hour is simply this: Many diners have no idea. In fact, in my experience, most people who dine out assume servers who work at a restaurant that seems like more than a McDonald's are on a low-rate salary or at least getting minimum wage, maybe even with benefits (fellow servers and former servers- I'll give you a moment to stop your spurts of laughter here).

Oh. I think I forgot to mention: That $3.35/hour is before taxes.

And yes, servers claim their tips and pay taxes on them. Every computer system and restaurant I've ever worked for has a system set up for claiming your tips.

So: Reason one to tip: Customers are directly paying servers wages. You are paying the person who brings you your food for a variety of services: Bringing your food from kitchen to table, getting you waters and drinks, knowing about things on the menu, not being a total bitch/dick, helping you find a special meal because you're glutarded, and not strangling your child for throwing salt and pepper all over the table, which you happen to find adorable. Guess who gets to clean that up after you leave before the next patron arrives?

Reason Two: You're server doesn't keep all of that tip money. Oh no. Servers usually tip out about 8% of their alcohol sales to the bar. Not 8% of their tips. 8% of their sales. So let's say you order a $150 bottle of wine to enjoy with someone and that's all you get. Let's say you leave $15, I mean, all you did was drink wine, that server didn't really have to do anything for you, right? Well, consider THIS fucking shit: 1) You took up a table for probably about an hour and a half, or if you're not a fool, and actually enjoyed that bottle of wine, more likely two and a half hours. That's a possibility of getting two other tables in that location who would have likely had full meals, and had ticket prices nearly as high as yours, if not higher (Oh yeah, you're also renting that table when you tip. That section of tables belongs to that server, much like a hairstylists chair station in a salon). 2) Twelve dollars of that tip is going straight to the bartender. This is crazy, considering it's likely that all the bartender did was go and find the bottle of wine and hand it to the server, but bartenders need to be paid fairly for their experience as well, including knowing how and where to find that bottle of wine. This leaves your server with about $3 from that tip you left, one of which is probably going to the servers busser. Many servers are also required to tip out the hostess, the kitchen and sometimes specialty employees. There's a restaurant here in town that does table-side made guacamole, which is amazing, but the gauc-makers have a tip jar on their cart and the servers tip them out.

In any case: A typical successful night of waiting tables for me is determined by the percentage I walk with on my sales. Say I sell $800.00. I consider it a successful night if I'm walking with $160, that's after I tip out my busser, host, bar and kitchen. Now, you might say, "How greedy! No one should make that kind of money in one night! Not for just putting food in front of people!" I say to you, "Try it." Seriously. Walk up to a table full of four strangers and give perfect wine service. I dare you. Aside from that: it's not like servers are making that kind of money every single shift. It's a gamble. I worked for weeks at a time, particularly lunch shifts, where I was lucky to walk with $40. You savor the good days and start hiding $100 bills from yourself so you can find them on the bad days. Not a perfect system, but I still find a pretty $20 every now and then, and it's a great, "Thanks past me!" Moment.

Reason Three: These people are bringing you your food. This is still a little mind-boggling to me. I sometimes can't believe that people trust servers, or even more so, cooks (no offense, guys, I love each and every one of you, but you can be filthy bastards and bitches sometimes) to not be lewd with the foods. That being said, you should take solace in this: I worked in the service industry for ten years on and off, in all aspects: hosting, bar backing, bussing, food running, server, prep cooking, line cooking, and never, ever did I once see anything done to someone's food that was a health risk or even malicious. I've seen cooks play pranks on their buddies that they knew were coming in, but it was harmless fun, like stuffing a burger with as many jalapenos as would fit. But seriously, you're paying your server to wash their hands, to take care of your food, to make sure you don't eat glass, etc.

Reason Four: In case I haven't made this abundantly clear: The final amount on your check? None of that is going to the server. Unless there's an auto gratuity, and you can always ask if you're not sure. I never got offended when someone asked if the gratuity was included. I think it shows that you're a responsible diner. What you shouldn't ask: "How much do you think you deserved?" or "What should I tip you?" or  "You think you're going to get a tip? HA!" (All of which I have been asked) It just makes for an uncomfortable situation, and if you don't know how to tip, you shouldn't be eating out.

I got really bummed out about five years back when Oprah apparently announced on her show that it's totally okay to tip 10% in a recession. Hey, Oprah, I don't watch your show, but all of my tables do. And actually, for me, the worst time to only tip 10% is in a recession. How about you give me a new car and we'll talk about it.

Reason Five: You might be a pain in the ass. This is a tender subject. Many perfectly wonderful people are a pain in the ass to wait on. My mother is a perfect example (who also waited tables for many years of her life). She needs her water filled about fifteen times during a busy lunch rush, she wants to get to know you when you're slammed, she thinks she's very funny, she's curious as to what the difference between the small and large hummus is (my favorite question. One is fucking small and the other one is not!) but she's a wonderful tipper, and a lovely human being.

Reason Six: Discounts. Happy Hour, two for one specials, free app with a meal. All of these promotions are designed to get you in the door, but consider if the server  worked to bring you only the one drink you paid for, or the two? Did they bring you that free app, and preset plates and proper silverware? The work still happens, so if it's done well, tip as though the total included everything you got for free. 

What do I tip when I go out? It's embarrassing. I tip 20% if the server is a total fuck up. 20% is my low tip. I think it's hard for people to remember that minimum wage, in most states, is very different from a living wage. I also go out to eat at a sit-down restaurant maybe once every two months, because I like to tip fat. It's also a selfish habit I have; it makes me feel really good to tip fat, and I like feeling good.

Bottom line: Of course you have to take into account what kind of service you received, but when it comes right down to it, when you say to yourself, "I have enough money tonight to have a fifty dollar meal!" I hope that means, "I have enough money tonight to have a forty dollar meal, and tip appropriately if my service really kicks ass."